A Love Letter to Mothers and the Motherless

For those who have experienced loss and are grieving during Mother’s Day,

Mother’s Day is approaching soon, and the hurt is raw and real, even if it’s years after the loss of your mother. This day and time of the year brings up many feelings, thoughts, and experiences. There are some grieving for being undermothered. Some are celebrating and honoring their mothers. There is no right or wrong way to grieve this kind of loss. It’s often more complex and nuanced than this letter can suffice, nor is this to assume anything, but to connect. You are not alone in this.

Mothers are our first human connection in the world. We were all held and formed in a mother’s womb. All of us were born to a mother, even when adopted. A mother may also be a woman who mothers, who loves and cares for others as if they were her own.

Her embracing arms are the first to carry us. She soothes in sickness. She makes and shapes the environment of home and what it means to belong to a people and place. She sees our growth and nurtures that growth. Even when we are grown, a mother is a mother for life. Her death does not mean she doesn’t live on in the legacy of her family and the relationships she built in her lifetime. Her presence is not forgotten. She knew us before playdates, crushes, and spouses. She is the embodiment of creativity, family life, connection, and guidance.

For those who know or knew this kind of mother, the loss is great, because the life and love she gave and grew were great. She may have died, but she passed on life and abundance. Moms are the ones sought out for comfort and empathy in both joy and pain. Her patience and encouragement support dreams. For some, she was the first to take a step on a path not yet forged. She creates and nurtures life; her action is a form of stewardship that serves family life as no one else can. Her creativity and intuition connected in generative ways beyond her family. She wove herself into motherhood to be given to her daughters and sons… her nieces, nephews, cousins, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, and even neighbors and strangers.

Your heart inheritance from her cannot be taken.

The women who are mothers or are mother figures in our lives are worth honoring and celebrating. Perhaps she is described above, and she is recognized, and for some, this is a reminder of profound sadness, hurt, and complexity.

For some, not every mother is a mother. She may have been your first bully, abuser, or enabler. She was a model of cruelty, shame, and fear. Her embodiment was not restful, gracious, or generous. This kind of mother used, took, and ignored her responsibilities and may not have been held accountable. She caused immense distress. This kind of mother may simply be a woman who gave birth to you, and it’s okay to grieve her. She was not the mother you needed. It is not your fault when you are mothered by cruelty, fear, and shame. Her life taught harsh lessons as an example of who not to be or become.

It’s okay to mourn the death of a mother who was not a mother; it’s okay to be relieved by this. Her death may mean she can no longer cause harm. Your worth and value are not based on her lack of love or her conditions. You are worth loving, being loved, and receiving love. You belong in love regardless of who your mother was.

Your mother may have been a survivor. She may have mothered while being sick, abused, or abandoned by those who were to support her the most. She created from scarcity. Her best cost dearly, not only for herself, but for her children, family, and loved ones, and yet she persisted. She mothered while rebuilding her own life or giving what she could after experiencing loss herself. Maybe she was mothering without a point of reference for motherhood. She is the mother who may have given her all, and it’s still a loss. There is a complicated grief that comes with recognizing a mother who lacked, not necessarily from personal failures, but from resources. Sometimes life circumstances are thieves; situations can steal and destroy what was meant to be. You were robbed, and so was your mother. Circumstances and situations do not define either of you, but their impact can be profound and worth acknowledging.

Some may know another woman in the family who was like a mother when your mother was not able to be a mother. A grandparent, an Aunt, or even a distant cousin. Others may have been mothered by a neighbor or even a mentor who took you under her wing. A mother does not need to be biological or related. She became a mother figure for you, whether she met you in your need or you chose her.

"Behind all your stories is always your mother's story, because hers is where yours begin." — Mitch Albom

Whether gathering together for brunch this Mother’s Day or laying flowers at her grave, Mother’s Day is a day that sees a mother for who she is, to honor the significance of being a mother and motherhood. The relationship a mother gives is significant. For those mothering, your presence matters, your sacrifices, and your love. Family life is not the same without you.

For those who are grieving during this time, on or around Mother’s Day, be gentle with yourself, receive grace, and grieve fully as you need to; loss is hard. There is no pressure to ‘move forward’ with anything or ‘be grateful’ when you are not. You are not obligated to do or be more than what you are willing to carry and hold at this time.