The Haunted Hallows of Loss
Death, Dying, & Grief
It’s a common misconception grief and loss work are solely about death, dying, and bereavement. Yes, grief and loss is also about death, dying, and bereavement. They are absolutely part of a person’s grief or loss narrative, but not everyone experiences grief and loss the same way. It’s not meant to be the same for everyone, even with common connections. Many who have experienced loss or have grieved understand it’s complications, mystery, uncertainty, and sometimes the quaint quiet simplicity that accompanies the process.
Life captures more than simplistic explanations and unnecessarily complicated ones.
The work of continuing to engage with grief and living through loss may ask for the courage to value life, to choose life on a daily basis, even when life does not seem to matter or feel worth the effort as it once did. Thoughts are not facts, and feelings are transient. Thoughts and feelings give texture to the content and context of our lives; they tell us something, but they don’t tell us everything.
Life Grows Around Grief
Life happens, but it can seem like certain seasons that once held so much with your loved one or a past life don’t hold as much anymore. Funerals happen in June as well as October. Flowers adorn gravesites as much as they do in gardens.
Life grows around grief; it’s the life found through loss that is the main work of loss.
Fall is a season of transition, and many people carry bittersweet memories into this season. There can be a struggle in navigating the bittersweet taste of time: a season filled with restoration and its own beauty, while also watching a lovely send off in the leaves. There is a melancholic veil, a reminder of what comes and what does not last.
This may be a time of year when many people reflect on the fleeting nature of life and also how futile it can be to try to make something happen before it’s time. Nature reminds us that cycles happen in seasons and that all is accomplished in its natural time.
We hold out for a lot. Maybe a loved one will recover, some don’t, and some do. Some are just dead.
Grief is hard, because it’s the cost of love. Loss is painful because it means living is worth something. Both the lived in life of the living and the life of the person who died.
Holding On For Dear Life
It may be extra hard for some this season, especially when reminders of death, dying, and even literal graveyards are on people’s front lawns. An ironic observation I see this time year, is that, on Halloween, costumes feature living people dressed up as dead people. Does anyone else kind of notice the irreverent, dark sense of humor to make sense of the absurdity of it all?
Fall and the seasonal changes may bring fun and spookier fodder for some, but for others, not so much; especially as the weather grows cooler and darker.
The hardest parts are holding on to life while living, sometimes hopeful, but hope may not be the best way to describe it. Maybe it’s more like flying by the seat of your pants while feeling on fire. It’s the feeling that things are free-falling, alongside the belief that life won’t always be this ugly, unkind, or unfair forever.
Sometimes grief surrounds circumstances, situations, and life seasons that carry their own unique losses, unrelated or not directly related to death, dying, or bereavement. Sometimes loss is a haunting experience; it’s horrifying and painful for some, but also maybe somewhat nostalgic, wistful, or quaint for others.
Some are caught unawares by all of this. Some are taken off guard. Death and dying do not come in the prescribed boxes we’d like. Some have the opportunity to reconcile, reconnect, or rekindle what was lost in a relationship before the person dies. That can be closure for some. For others, it’s messy. For many, it’s a complex experience; there are a lot of layers to unpackage for some.
To share final moments and memories with a loved one, a friend, or a family member is something else. It doesn’t even have to look like a certain kind of experience to be meaningful.
The Absurdity of Death: Inevitable & Elusive
The shadows of death and dying seem shrouded in mystery, something dark and dank, and perhaps otherworldly.
Truth is, we will all die. No one really knows their time has come, even if it’s near.
It’s not unheard of in a person’s final moments to know their moment is here. There are some who know what it’s like to step on death’s door and come back for another round at life. Some go through the door, others may have died because of a door.
People experience death and dying in so many different ways. Some need dark humor, irreverence to push through the pain, others need quiet and stillness, and others need the catharsis to match the hurt.
Death isn't a case Sherlock Holmes and Watson are on. There can be mystery and intrigue. For some people, that includes seeing apparitions of the deceased, feeling their presence, or interpreting such experiences through spiritual means.
Yet death may not feel mysterious at all. It can be absurd in nature. It can even be funny sometimes.
Maybe that’s avoidance; maybe it’s adaptation.
Maybe humor is simply one way people make room for the unbearable when loss creates space. Unless someone died laughing. Then it’s just morose.
Death can feel hallowed and hollowing in many ways, but it may be the uncertainty that’s really at the heart of the issue.
We don’t like knowing what we can’t fully know. And I’m not referring entirely to medical processes or even mental health ones.
There may be a fuller picture of life that we simply cannot fully perceive. Some people understand that through faith, religion or spirituality, or a sense of greater purpose or plan; others don't.
There’s something about the whole death and dying process that has a solemn, reverent, or even softer touch than other life experiences. Some may experience this as jagged, sharp, and cold. Or none of these. There may more texture and variances than some expected or had experienced before. Some may experience death and dying as a joyful experience. There are some people that see and honor the dying process as a celebration of life and even celebratory after the death too. This doesn’t diminish the pain that can come with grief and loss, but for some it truly is bittersweet. Like dark chocolate with chili flakes.
The person may no longer be present in life, but their memory: their presence, their personhood, can still feel present.
Death is a form of loss, yet loss doesn't require a death certificate to validate itself.
Maybe some experience a haunting feeling; whether that’s perceived as terrifying, harsh, and painful or even comforting, assuring, and less lonesome, it’s likely somewhere in-between the liminal space of loss and the work of grief.
It’s Goodbye, Maybe For Now, Maybe For Good
Dying can be an opportunity to say goodbye, to say or do a lot of things, whether or not a person has a particular belief system. Some may leave a loved one’s side knowing the end is not the end, but it is the end for now. Some may sit with the comfort, assurance, or hope of an afterlife or look forward to renewed life or a return to life after death.
Life may feel emptier, but there is also something to be said for a full, lived-in life and the experiences a person leaves behind as fully enough.
They may have been a parent, spouse, sibling, friend, neighbor, or even a stranger, they played many roles in life and this someone in your life meant something to you. That’s fully enough. It’s evidence of a life someone lived as well as the life within the living.
Death can change the way we understand someone's life. The memory of who they were can reveal something that wasn't as visible while they were alive. We can create words, roles, or eulogies, but that may not fully capture everything either.
Renegade Rebel. Eccentric Explorer. Cubicle Comrade. Homely Homemaker. Casserole Composer. Plant killer. Animal Advocate.
Legacies can live with the next generation and circles of influence can also live beyond the person’s immediate or intimate social sphere. What was given or taken, taught or modeled, or simply there to witness in all its glorious connections and entanglement with your life.
Death May Be More About Life Than Death
"Don't let making a living prevent you from making a life." — John Wooden
Let’s consider the words surrounding making a life rather than only making a living.
Some lifestyles are stereotyped as being in favor of productivity and business, along with the illusion that tiredness and exhaustion are meant to be glorified as the standard of living, when that’s far from reality. Probably far from the life many were meant to live or that some have sacrificed for and paid the price in order to live how they were meant to be lived.
Maybe the living are sometimes deadened to life.
Too many must make choices based on necessity rather than life affirming lifestyles, and the boundary between the two, blurs for many.
When grief and loss are complex and nuanced regarding death, dying, and bereavement, there are no easy resolutions for how life will be lived out as time goes on, whether anticipating a loss or recovering from the aftermath or somewhere in-between.
Death and dying can place what is a priority in contrast.
Losses aren’t always about a death or dying. Some have lost jobs or started new careers. Some are entering into the next stage of life, such as first-time parents or grandparents considering the nursing home or remaining at home. Families and individuals of all shapes, sizes, and capacities will experience change and will likely experience some major life transitions, some are harder to navigate than others. These can be natural losses in life and still be hard.
Many people are likely somewhere in between a liminal space and reality; it’s conflicting.
You don’t need to be in a particular life stage to experience loss. We are all living a life that will not remain as it is today, tomorrow.
Death can place what matters most into sharp contrast. Dying can create a process of determining what matters most.
Life Goes On
It can be really upsetting to see life move on around you; especially when you’re still grappling with the enormity of it all. Others may seem to forget too early, or still haven’t acknowledged how hard it’s been. That is hard.
There may be a shameful secret of holding onto pain to validate the loss itself. Suffering is a part of life, but it’s not meant to remain in your life longer than the work of grief may require.
The poet Robert Frost is often quoted as saying, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.” Those words may carry a somber and perhaps even an irreverent tone, especially when you’re not ready to move on; or simply do not want to have to do anything you don’t want to do while grieving or navigating loss.
Pain sometimes is just pain. Suffering doesn’t have to hold some inherent meaning, be more ethereal than it actually is, or be eclipsed by some life adage. It can be really annoying to hear, read, or witness something that sets a person off about life affirmations during challenging times, others may gravitate or draw nearer to those things.
It’s okay to do what it is you need to do in this season and to be where you are actually at emotionally and mentally.
Some things can wait, while others cannot. And it’s okay if it’s one thing a day or within the month. Grief can hit like a tsunami and some may experience a loss that feels more prolonged.
There’s no right or wrong way to do this and that can be relieving or upsetting for some.
It’s expected when working through grief and loss to be somewhat difficult, if not wholly unhinging. It’s natural to expect this to be some of the most challenging yet also life affirming work all around: emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually.
When Extra Support Is Needed
Sometimes support means having a place to slow down, reflect, create, and make room for what is being carried.
The 3 Brushes, LLC provides in-person art therapy for children, tweens, teens, and adults in Gaithersburg, Maryland. Art therapy can offer another way to explore experiences that may be difficult to put into words, while creating space to process, reconnect, and move at a pace that feels manageable.
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If you are curious about how art therapy may support you or someone you care about, I invite you to schedule a complimentary 20-minute consultation. It is an opportunity to ask questions, learn more about the process, and explore whether this approach feels like a good fit.
You do not have to have the right words. You do not have to know exactly what you need.
