Dear Reader,
There’s a word I use that’s rather nonsensical. I find this word captures the ornamented, frenetic, wall-to-wall spectacle seen every holiday season: holihaze.
The whirlwind spectacle of this season can feel sparkly. The season glitters and glows for some people, because its warmth, generosity, and goodwill are familiar to them. Others know the opposite spirit of the season: the chaos and confusion, uncertainty, and complexity of the holidays seem less than bright and cheery.
When the holidays return, grief and loss may wallop us in the worst way.
The holiday season tends to send constant reminders about family, family life, and gatherings with loved ones. The pain of experiencing the holidays without a loved one is more than some can bear. This season also brings reminders of what may have been lost around the holidays. A parent who leaves unexpectedly and never returns, a spouse who serves divorce papers, or a baby dies while a child is born.
The pain may manifest as a lack of charitable abundance, scarcity of generosity, and the coldness of indifference and apathy. The glittery spectacle surrounding shopping centers, buildings and homes, may stir up all kinds of feelings and emotions, thoughts, and sensations.
Reminders can be glimmers of hope, reassurance, and gratitude. Reminders can also set some folks’ into overdrive.
Others have learned to mask well enough to pass off as “I’m fine” when you know very well you’re not.
Some need others to believe in their mask, the charade of being okay, because the effort and vulnerability needed to be seen by others when in pain is a lot.
There may be shame, insecurity, fear, or even the discomfort of being perceived for something you don’t want to reveal to others just yet.
The presence of pain is often endured alone; even when someone is not lonely. The endurance with pain can be a lonely experience for some.
What you’re going through wasn’t meant for indifference, apathy, or less grace, and yet presence matters in pain. The effects of grief and loss can sometimes mean perceiving hostility among familiar faces as well as strangers, rather than hospitality.
When You Feel Like Scrooge This Time of Year
“Bah Humbug” to you too.
Scrooge knew the risks and costs of relationships, shaped by his past and present, until he finally realized that miserly misery brought him lack rather than meaningful substance in his life.
Loss can do that to a person, to families, and communities. Scrooge’s character can teach us many things about the inward poverty that comes with hurt, pain, and loss. His story can also show us how relationships can be rekindled, both with ourselves and with others, and remind us to hold on to the hope that it is never too late to experience the well-spent expense of inward peace and grace lived outwardly.
Some may experience having something lovely, wonderful, or hope filled this time of the year as a struggle to partake in, because of the perceived pressures to feel and be the opposite. Others partake without a second thought.
Some reading this may have their people, but not a beloved pet or devoted service animal. Some relate more to the companionship of animals and creatures more than people.
Some have their people, and no one is truly present. Gatherings around the holidays feel like a performance, a gesture, or a gimmick. The drama continues its saga and the show goes on even when no one wants to play a part.
There’s a lot going on for many people this time of year. My heart grieves with those who know these experiences and all the stuff this holiday season may bring.
Coal In Your Stocking
Sometimes nothing hurts quite like seeing other people experience the joy you genuinely wish you could feel alongside them.
It’s like receiving coal in your stocking on Christmas morning.
You’re not wrong, a ‘bad’ person, or dishonest by feeling how you actually feel, thinking what you actually think, and experiencing what you actually experience this time of year.
Certain life experiences take a toll around the holidays and special occasions that are expected to be joy-filled or positively perceived.
The pain may be hidden, forgotten, or ignored for a time so space is held for others or sustained just enough to function in the day to day routines, but not given the support and space this pain may need to be held, witnessed, or supported.
Pain may be treated as ornamental, seen but not felt. Some may find it less demanding and draining to store that kind of stuff away in the attic, buried in the basement, packed in the garage, or wherever these packages are piled away so you could take a breath without falling apart.
Envy, Jealousy, and Animosity Towards Others This Time of Year
When you perceive you do not have what others appear to have, it can be hard to feel grateful, generous, or any other kind of virtuous embodiment this time of year, especially when it seems expected.
This letter isn’t a sermon, a moral rally, or an attempt to promote anything overly spiritual, religious, or faith based. It’s a letter to re-read and sit with you as you need it to be.
Values and virtues can be lived out through our words and actions, embodied in how we live our lives and move through the world, or practiced however you choose to do so.
Many honor and celebrate religious, spiritual, and faith-based practices this time of year. For some, they may be needed more than ever.
Whatever may be attached to grief and loss can be some of the hardest battles during this time of the year. When certain experiences, sensations, feelings and emotions, or thoughts are perceived as less than, scary, something to avoid, suppressed, or may lead towards regrettable words and actions: envy, jealousy, mean-spiritedness, or general animosity towards others, even yourself, may be harder to carry and cope with than usual.
The inner turmoil is probably more real and raw than seems admissible to express.
The presence of these kinds of feelings, thoughts, sensations, and emotions you wish you didn’t have, may mean you’re grappling with more inner tension than initially realized; maybe something that needs to be unpacked, rather than left to the elements.
Grief and loss can be tough stuff, especially when this time of year may feel like a setup or an expectation to perform feeling ‘less than’ about losing someone or something that mattered and was meaningful to you.
Some may experience the dreaded feelings you tried to package up the rest of the year. There was no more room in that space you tried to place it all in. Others may try creating something more colorful and distracting so others don’t notice the pain beneath the prim packaging. Distractions don’t deal with this directly, they just delay the inevitable.
Gifts may come in unexpected ways for some, and for others; there’s no need to gift wrap feeling less than giving this time of year.
Some may need to distance themselves, others need to draw nearer, and others may blend, integrate, or recreate what feels and seems most life-preserving or affirming right now.
Another Season, A Different Meaning
There isn’t a prescribed 5-step informational article or prescription that is supposed to make any of this better. The brevity of the season can be a lot for some and that grief and loss can look like, well, a holihaze.
Sometimes things sit too close to home for generalized advice, suggestions, or well wishes to be received well this time of the year.
You don’t have to put up the decorations, attend a service, or participate in the festivities this year … and yet you can if you want to.
For your loved one too, if you’d like.
Do nothing at all or do it all for whatever reason you choose in this season.
This is not about what seems ‘right’ or ‘wrong’; it’s not based on some moral or spiritual spectrum of what seems dutiful or purely hedonistic just for the holidays.
Extra Support Around The Holidays
Sometimes it’s okay to seek out extra support, especially when you’re not okay during the holidays. This may be not be an easy time of year for you or your first year you’re experiencing grief and loss and it’s lingering. Sometimes needing extra support for a time means you don't have to manage everything alone.
Sometimes support means having a place to slow down, reflect, create, and make room for what is being carried.
The 3 Brushes, LLC provides in-person art therapy for children, tweens, teens, and adults in Gaithersburg, Maryland. Art therapy can offer another way to explore experiences that may be difficult to put into words, while creating space to process, reconnect, and move at a pace that feels manageable.
Learn more about:
If you are curious about how art therapy may support you or someone you care about, I invite you to schedule a complimentary 20-minute consultation. It is an opportunity to ask questions, learn more about the process, and explore whether this approach feels like a good fit.
You do not have to have the right words. You do not have to know exactly what you need.
