Grief Is Not Child’s Play
When Littles & Children Grieve, Loss Is A Lot
There is no argument that littles and children grieve differently than adults, and even differently from adolescents. Children are aware of what is happening around them, but may not yet have the emotional or cognitive maturity to fully grasp the severity, depth, nuance, or mature matters involved with dying, death, bereavement, grief, and loss.
Children tend to be aware that something BIG and scary has happened, or is going to happen. Children tune into their surroundings and the people closest to them, remarkably well. Sometimes, more so than adults may realize or notice. It’s especially tough when you’re a parent, caregiver, or legal guardian and witness life happening with your little or child. You may be going through the same experience. It’s a lot for everyone.
A loss of safety can tell a child, as much as a teen or adult, that the world is not as carefree or safe as it once was. When loss happens, children experience that the world can hold both “good” and “bad” as much as “wrong” and “right.” Children are learning what’s in the world and how life works; grief and loss are a part of that learning experience.
Life experiences are often new to littles and children. They are experiencing a lot for the first time. A teen or adult may have more of a reference point than a little or a young child does when navigating the world, even though there are new experiences at every age.
Littles and children may begin noticing things they were previously not aware of or simply did not have reason to think about until a life event involving grief and loss gives them a reason to.
What Are We Looking For When Loss Is A Lot?
Most parents, caregivers, and legal guardians notice when something isn't okay or when something seems different with a loved one. Family perspective is important. Anyone who sees, hears, listens, notices, and is doing life with their families day in and day out knows a thing or two, but sometimes not the full picture.
Sometimes grief and loss show up in ways that are easy to overlook or dismiss, or may seem irrelevant, especially when littles and children don’t yet have the emotional or cognitive maturity to explain or share what they are experiencing.
Changes in behavior that seem clustered—several at once—or unusually intense.
Behaviors look like a grief monster. It’s BIG, scary, hairy, and MEAN. Despite being all of those things, the grief monster doesn’t take away the impact of loss. Behaviors come with growing up, and many are part of typical human development at different ages.
However, when prominent behaviors such as hitting, punching, grabbing, pushing, shoving, smacking, stealing, hiding, biting, spitting, hissing, scratching, clawing, lying, or intentionally doing things a child is raised to know NOT to do start happening more often, what is going on underneath them?
Perhaps grief and loss are there, too, adding fuel to the grief monster.
When behaviors escalate, become more frequent, or appear alongside other significant changes, grief and loss may be part of the picture, but they are not the only possible explanation. Behaviors can sometimes escalate into physical violence, such as strangling or choking, threatening others, throwing objects that can cause injury, destroying property, or continued provocation. That requires an immediate response and support.
Children can sometimes cause harm to others or themselves in ways that may be beyond what adults expect or anticipate, so when behaviors escalate, worsen, and intensify, extra help may be needed now rather than later.
Grief and loss doesn’t necessarily cause extreme behaviors, but they can sometimes accompany one another. When a little or a child is overwhelmed, confused, mad and sad, and it’s too much, all at once, for too long, behaviors like these can show up.
One behavior by itself, or even a few, does not necessarily mean something is wrong. What matters is the change, the intensity, the pattern, and what else is happening around the child, especially when this is ongoing for weeks or months and the stress isn’t easing on its own.
Relationships are different. Kiddos who used to be social, aren’t as much.
Children who are grieving, experiencing loss, or going through major life transitions involving changes in family life and family dynamics may struggle to connect with others like they used to. They may become more withdrawn, distant, or seem less interested in socializing with loved ones, or even other children, than they usually do.
Some alone time is natural, some kids are not naturally outgoing, and shyness can be part of typical social development. However, when a child seems disconnected, out of sorts, or frequently zoned out, or struggles to connect with others in social situations most of the time—and it’s not like them—something may be worth unpacking there, whether at home, school, playgroups, sports, or other social situations.
This doesn’t mean something warrants a diagnosis or an assessment right away, but it does mean that grief and loss can create fear that being close, experiencing care and love may mean losing that again.
Relationships can be risky for some, and some children learn early in life about the risks within relationships, even if they don’t have the words to express it. Attachment and familial bonds form early in life, so when those bonds are severed, the impact can be profound. Other times, relational dynamics become intertwined with grief and loss, making family and family life even more tangled, sticky, and tricky to navigate.
Not interested in games, play, or fun things as much anymore.
Kiddos generally enjoy play; it’s how they know and experience their world. Their make-believe is real enough to them, and playtime is serious business. A child may lose interest in play, activities, friends, or other things they usually enjoy at any given time. There doesn’t need to be a loss for that to happen. When the change is pronounced and highlighted with a BIG, neon marker, there may be something there.
This may suggest that the kid things that once helped them feel better are no longer stress-relieving, soothing, or bringing them the same enjoyment and contentment they once did. Coping methods may have drastically changed, or they may need more tools in their toolkit when they’re on the struggle bus—and they’ve been on that bus for a while, like months.
Children may push back more when it comes to what they would like to do or even ask for more when they’re experiencing grief and loss. Sometimes a child pieces together that all the “good” stuff, like fun, play, and the things that bring comfort, looks like a treasure trove that helps ward the “bad” stuff away. Others may begin to see that those things can be lost, taken, or simply not returned, seemingly from an unknown sender, and that sends a message, too.
Children may respond to loss by creating more or by not wanting more. Attachment, care, or even wanting things—especially from the special or close people in their lives—may come to mean that they could lose those things, too. Sometimes, that’s simply too much.
Changes in appetite, eating, sleep, and routines. When consistency isn’t enough.
Kids need structure. Predictable patterns that revolve around timeframes—when, where, what, and how—point to someone in their life who knows what’s going on and helps make it happen. That consistency and responsible presence often creates a circle of safety for a child. Kiddos generally don’t worry about “grown up” things unless it comes into their awareness or a need continues to be unmet and a grown-up needs to pay closer attention.
Let’s create a picture of what this may look like at home, school, and other places where routines happen on a consistent basis. When a kiddo is waking constantly or not falling asleep easily may be a ruptured sleep routine and that lack of consistency is creating more stress. Nightmares, night terrors, and fears of the dark are other disruptions that can affect sleep. Enuresis, or bed-wetting, is another example of night time upsets. Not only is this stressful for families, but shameful and scary for kiddos. Once in a while is no biggie, but when something happens several times within a week, continues for weeks, or represents a significant change from what is typical for your child, it’s worth paying closer attention and considering whether additional support or a medical evaluation is needed.
Skipping meals, becoming picky around eating, or even hiding or hoarding food may be worth noticing. Pushing mushy peas around a plate because they’re not hungry is one thing, but throwing them onto the floor or pelting them at a sibling, especially when accompanied by meltdowns, seems like another thing to pay attention to.
When your kiddo seems to be saving, hiding, moving, or rearranging their food, toys, special items, or other people’s things in the household, take note, especially if they consistently lie or blame someone else when it is noticed.
Kids may become creative when the going gets tough.
Things happen, and things will likely work out in time when families experience typical disruptions in routines. A bout of sickness, seasonal changes, a new member in the family, school schedules, and travel all affect sleep, eating, and routines amongst others.
This isn’t meant to suggest that a sleep or eating disorder is a given, nor is it meant to pathologize typical disruptions in routines for children. Rather, grief and loss, overwhelm, and the compounding effects of a lack of consistency and predictable patterns can sometimes show up through changes in sleep and eating. When typical routines are disrupted repeatedly and the changes begin to interfere with daily life for months on end, that’s when loss may be hiding underneath.
BIG feels. Many big feels. HUGE feels. All the feels.
When excessive crying, screaming, cry-screaming, increased clinginess, meltdowns, and tantrums happen more often than not, that is a lot for a child (and anyone in proximity). These behavioral signs may shine a light on emotional dysregulation more than simply having a horrible, no-good, very bad day when it comes to grief and loss.
Huge emotional outbursts accompanied by behaviors that are unusually aggressive, agitated, or overt may reflect a child who is overwhelmed by fear, sadness, confusion, or feelings that are simply too big and too much to understand, let alone communicate clearly yet. Big emotions and huge feelings don’t necessarily mean a child is challenging authority or being inconsiderate. This may be alarming for some families who don’t usually see this with their child; for others, this may be the usual.
When discussing emotions, feelings, and how children grow, littles and children need to express BIG emotions. It’s developmentally sound. But when it’s too much, most of the time, without an end in sight, something may not fit within the developmental spectrum.
You know your child best. When is too much, too much?
This might look like hitting, pushing, grabbing, smacking, biting, spitting, scratching, or other behaviors that seem out of character. Even behaviors such as tugging or chewing on clothing excessively, nail biting, finger chewing, skin picking, hair pulling (on head or face such as the eyebrows or eyelashes) or humming to calm down or lessen stress are worth noting, especially if they aren’t typical for your child. Generally, this is referring to the more intensive end of behaviors that represent a significant change from what is typical for the child and aren’t already explained by a known diagnosis or medical condition.
Once in a blue moon is different from something happening daily or multiple times a day for weeks or months when you know this isn’t typical for your child.
Frequency and severity matter.
Sometimes behaviors show up during times of transition, when something is new or unfamiliar, or even when it isn’t. Leaving, going somewhere new, or even going to familiar places may feel like everything requires extra effort for your family.
Notice when, with whom, where, and what time of day. These are clues to follow, not necessarily signs that a child is acting up just to act up. Children’s behaviors communicate what they may not yet be able to say: “I need help. I don’t feel safe. I’m not okay. Something is wrong, and this is how I’m telling you!”
A lack of accountability or avoiding responsibility can be developmentally immature. When kiddos begin to hide, avoid, or make up stuff to avoid confronting the hard stuff, look closer. Sometimes children may do things to feel powerful when they don’t feel like they have much power, just as they may test authority and responsiveness when they’re upset.
When it’s out of line and out of character, something is likely up.
Increased fascination with media or themes that are outside their usual interests.
Some children become preoccupied in ways that may seem over the top, weird, strange, somewhat mysterious, but are still developmentally understandable and may be a genuine interest. Are they suddenly fascinated by television shows, movies, games, or other media that depict themes your family doesn’t typically engage with or watch and don’t approve of?
Is darker, more disturbing, or more intense subject matter showing up recently in their artwork or schoolwork, behavior, speech, or play? Are you seeing images and depictions or hearing phrases and speech that seem more grown or mature than you thought your kid was aware of? What is this narrative telling you about what’s going on, or may be going on? Is this related to a recent loss or a response to a loss that may be delayed?
Dark, disturbing, or intense subject matter or unusual themes in children's speech, play, or artwork are not automatically a sign that something is amiss or wrong.
Context and content matter and may change over time. Kids process a lot and are exposed to a lot. It’s not easy to pinpoint where and how it came about, even when families are careful, mindful, or don’t typically engage with certain things they allow in their home or permit outside of family life.
Sometimes children use stories, characters, games, and media to explore things they are trying to understand. That’s understandable and may be worth exploring when something seems off, even if you’re not sure exactly what it is yet—but you know something feels different.
Trust your gut instincts. Is something the matter, even if you can't quite name what it is yet?
Fascination with death and dying or illness and disease: The medical trauma umbrella.
Is your kiddo overly fascinated by dying, death, or even questions of a spiritual nature, such as the afterlife? Are they asking questions, talking about situations involving illness or sickness, or actually creating stories and play-acting “mysterious” ailments more regularly? Are they asking a lot of questions about what is happening, what this means, and what is going to happen, especially after a death, a loss, or well after the fact?
Curiosity isn’t pathology.
Children may want to explore, and questions about death and dying, illness, and difficult life discussions surrounding grief and loss can be a natural part of development, learning, and growing up. Children create, make-believe, and play-act as ways of exploring questions and working through problems. When kids are trying to understand something, making things, playing it out, taking it on as their own, or creating a world that matches their perspective can be ways of making sense of what they are experiencing. Teens and adults play this out, too.
Imagination is a way of understanding just as much as it is exploration.
When considering medical trauma in relation to the questions above, this can refer to experiences such as a major medical diagnosis, hospitalization, ongoing treatment or care, or fears and phobias surrounding medical themes such as blood, bodily fluids, or body-related experiences. This doesn’t capture everything that falls under the medical umbrella, and some medical conditions and situations are not traumatic. Fascination with illness or medical themes does not, by itself, mean a child has experienced medical trauma or even a death.
When something is distressing, interferes with daily life, and creates emotional, mental, or even physical impairment—literally and figuratively—then that may be worth looking into more closely. When a child seeks out more mature, or even adult-level, information before they are developmentally ready to process it, that is something worth checking in about, too.
Children can learn about grief and loss, death and dying, illness, disease, medical trauma, and medical experiences. You or your child may be going through a tough time medically. Your child may be witnessing another kid, a sibling, or family member go through something that’s hard to witness. They may want to be more involved, informed, or at least included in these matters, as much as any other family member.
Meeting a child where they are and using sound judgment about what to reveal and when is one thing, yet, children are often ignored or invalidated when it comes to serious matters. A child does not need every detail or a detailed explanation. Being included and informed enough is enough.
What are you noticing? Is it worth seeking professional help?
The story surrounding your child’s overall behavior, emotional state, and the gap between what was and what is different can tell you something. That does matter.
Has a teacher, administrator, or principal brought changes at school to your attention that need attention? Are grandparents, neighbors, friends, or aunts and uncles noticing changes, too? Are medical providers, speech pathologists, or other professionals giving similar perspectives?
Hearing and seeing the same thing in multiple places, spaces, and faces is worth paying attention to.
Is home life suddenly more challenging or unsettling? Do you feel more on edge, constantly worrying, or worn out lately?
The stress is mountain-sized, not molehill-sized. And no, you’re not imagining things.
The realization is worth noticing. There are things to note that are already being noticed. You may have a series in the works, given the sheer amount of stuff going on lately, and your family has starring roles in a reality show you didn’t sign on for.
Sometimes this is family life on steroids and it’s just a season; other times, it’s grief in disguise or loss taking its toll, wreaking havoc.
None of the above, by themselves, tell you that a child is grieving or experiencing trauma. Littles and children can behave this way for many reasons.
What matters is the bigger picture: what has changed, what is happening around them, how intense or persistent the changes are, and whether they are interfering with daily life.
Fear of the unknown in a big world
Littles and children are navigating a world generally not designed for them. They live in a big world with lots of unknowns. They are asked to move through the world based on a grown-up’s idea of what is most befitting and suitable. Most things aren’t even at their height, which is frustrating for a kid, both figuratively and metaphorically, even with a solid reason behind the design.
This is not necessarily a negative. Children need guidance, assurance, and trustworthy adult relationships to learn how to navigate the world at large so it feels more accessible and navigable. A big, taller person is handy when you can’t reach things yourself yet.
It’s okay not to carry everything in the family alone, or for families to have help managing, figuring out, and dealing with heavy stuff.
Communities are important, and community members who are mental health professionals may be needed for a time so life can continue on without so much to care about all the time.
I want to see my kiddo clients not have to see me again. I truly hope our time mattered when it was needed most and that our work together paves a path to seek out support when it is needed again. It’s okay if it’s not me again, but maybe someone else who helps instead or carries what I cannot.
A child’s therapist is another relationship similar to a teacher, a coach, or mentor, that offers their professionalism and skills, care, and support that hopefully continues to benefit well into adolescence and adulthood.
We are all part of the village and are villagers too.
Children Grieve Through More Than Words
There is no age limit when it comes to dying, death, bereavement, medical or relational trauma, or even grief and loss. Children can understand loss. Littles grieve too.
Most of childhood involves some form of loss. Many are natural losses and part of growing up; some happen unexpectedly, and they’re hard. Outgrowing a favorite toy, game, or type of play. A classmate who moves or a neighbor who dies suddenly. Changing classrooms. Going to a new school or home. Losing friendships. Watching family life change, sometimes forever. Saying goodbye to people, places, routines, pets, and even familiar versions of themselves.
Children know these things and grieve them, just as they grieve when a death comes or when something BIG and scary happens in the family.
Change is a natural part of life, as are growing pains and growing up. Not all losses need therapeutic intervention.
When loss is too big, too soon, and too much, loss is a lot.
Sometimes, during those trying times, that is when extra support is needed, whether extra support is from a psychologist, social worker, therapist, or even an art therapist.
When Extra Support and Care Is Needed
Littles, kiddos, and children, however small or young, sometimes need extra support for a time so families don’t have to carry everything by themselves.
Sometimes support means having a place to slow down, reflect, create, and make room for what is being carried.
The 3 Brushes, LLC provides in-person art therapy for children, tweens, teens, and adults in Gaithersburg, Maryland. Art therapy can offer another way to explore experiences that may be difficult to put into words, while creating space to process, reconnect, and move at a pace that feels manageable.
Learn more about:
If you are curious about how art therapy may support you or someone you care about, I invite you to schedule a complimentary 20-minute consultation. It is an opportunity to ask questions, learn more about the process, and explore whether this approach feels like a good fit.
You do not have to have the right words. You do not have to know exactly what you need.
