To Rest: Grief and Loss Are Labor
Carrying grief and working through a loss takes significant time, energy, and patience with oneself and others.
Rest is the operative word when it comes to grief and loss.
Rest doesn’t necessarily mean placing a pause or putting a stop to activity. This doesn’t mean ceasing the busyness of life or not placing a priority on productivity. Rest may mean allowing a slower, steadier, and more mindful pace that matches our needs rather than creates a wanted outcome. As much as outcomes are wanted, sometimes what comes from rest is what is most needed right now.
Let’s reflect on this quote that captures the meaning of rest when it comes to grief and loss work:
“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.”
― John Lubbock, The Use of Life
All the business of life has meaning and is necessary, even the seemingly passive things. Life continues even when life seems to pause or completely stop with grief and loss.
It’s a strange feeling to be grieving or experiencing loss while life goes on, as if nothing has altered its course, when in reality, it has changed direction. The compass that once guided us may seem lost. Which path does one take? Is there even a path?
Rest may seem aloof for many in a time that continues to pronounce productivity through continuous, relentless activity. Rest seems counterproductive, despite countless articles, podcasts, and resources saying otherwise.
The reality is that it’s tougher to actually live out rest, in all its forms—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual—on any given day. Rest is not solely reserved for weekends or certain seasons of life that may offer more flexibility, nor should we absurdly expect that everything will be resolved after a vacation or holiday period. Some may be refreshed after a week at the beach, while others need a vacation from the vacation.
This post comes on a Monday, early in this year’s Labor Day week. The upcoming weekend may feel later than anticipated for many, but nonetheless, it is needed. This is a reflection on rest and the work of grief and loss, particularly when rest is needed most during some of life’s most challenging events.
Forms of Rest
This day and age requires an intentional and relentless pursuit of rest. To be constantly “on,” distracted, or engulfed in news, media, screens, and endless data and information was made for technology, not living human beings. We can only contend with so much, for so long, with this kind of engagement.
We are no longer as present in our lives without rest. We need all kinds of rest: mainly physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual rest.
To physically rest from actual labor and give the body time to recoup; to mentally rest with activity that is slow and steady; to emotionally rest by not partaking in needless drama or relationships that expend rather than pour back into us; and even to spiritually rest—to pray, to take solace, and to take refuge from the influence of busyness as a form of worship and soulful endeavor.
Some further thoughts on the forms of rest, and an encouragement to consider what rest can look like. When rest is not a priority in life, life will create pauses and stops for us that we may not want. Choosing rest before life makes the choice for us is an act of thoughtful consideration and empowerment. It matters when it seems like there isn’t a choice.
Physical Rest
Physical rest is when the body needs to recoup, rejuvenate, and refresh itself. Sitting down to a nourishing and nutritious meal, unbothered and unhurried, tells the body, and our accompanying sympathetic nervous system, that safety can come through intention. Nourishing the body doesn’t have to be maxed out, optimized, “perfect”, or particularly “healthy.” Sometimes, whole nourishment, movement or a lack of movement, is part of tender care for the body.
The gym, yoga, physical training, or even massages may be an act of self-care for some, but self-care is rarely encompassed by physicality or spa treatments alone. Even muscles don’t build by continuing to overwork them.
The body responds to a cadence attuned to our internal and external rhythms.
Maybe today isn’t a mile run or another round of reps, but gentle stretches instead. Bring your breath back into your belly and back, not your chest. Maybe it’s lying out on the grass and watching the clouds go by, or sitting on a nearby street bench and people-watching.
These are all suggestions for engaging in physical rest. Drawing a bath or simply sitting can be physical rest, too.
Mental Rest
Playing with, tinkering, or problem-solving through puzzles, tactile materials, or handheld games that aren’t electronic can be forms of mental rest. Mental activity that isn’t heavy or cumbersome can be relieving, as can revisiting hobbies, projects, or work such as fixing, mending, or deconstruction.
Sometimes switching gears mentally does provide a restful resolution.
Mental rest can look like repetition, but on a slower, steadier repeat. Listening to music, curating a card game gallery, or experimenting in the garage, basement, attic, or at the dining room table—or wherever—are all forms of mental rest.
What requires work in paying attention can be a form of mental rest. Focus doesn’t come from trying harder, but from purposefulness. When the mind has the opportunity to organize thoughts, shape patterns, and consider problems while figuring out what’s needed at a personal pace, it can yield far more gain and benefit than rushing, pressuring, or overloading our cognitive capacity.
Emotional Rest
To emotionally rest may look like not partaking in needless drama, parasocial relationships, or unclear relationships for some. Feelings and emotions may not always be clear, but clarity creates the inner space needed to take a breath sometimes.
Stopping to evaluate relationships that expend pointless energy or don’t align with values or purpose, even when accompanied by good intentions, seems not only smart, but wise.
Repair and rupture are needed in any relationship, but when life takes a toll, emotions attach us to life experiences. Emotional rest may be taking the time to pour back into the relationship with oneself, as well as into relationships with others who are close, trustworthy, and whose company we genuinely enjoy.
Spiritual Rest
Spiritual rest may mean continuing to kindle devotion, prayer, ritual, or partaking in a soulful endeavor for some. It may mean taking refuge from the influence of busyness as a form of worship, with worship itself being a form of rest.
You do not need to be religious to rest spiritually. We are all beings with souls and spirits. The subconscious part of ourselves absorbs and processes a lot.
More Than Permission
Perhaps the word isn’t “permission,” but rather to wholly, willfully, and without shame or guilt partake in rest—whichever form you need or want to partake in.
Restful activity isn’t passive. It’s necessary to live and to keep on living, even when life seems less than it used to feel like or be like.
It’s okay to prioritize your own form of rest. The forms suggested here aren’t the full picture, nor do they fully capture what may be needed to rest.
Rest isn’t necessarily synonymous with insomnia, anxiety, or depression, any more than it is synonymous with grief and loss. Rest does not mean that everything feels settled, resolved, or at ease. Someone can be resting while still experiencing anxiety. Someone can be grieving or working through a loss while also finding moments to rest. Someone may be unable to sleep even when exhausted. When feeling emotionally overwhelmed, it may be a cue to pause.
Rest does not erase what is happening in life. Rest doesn’t fully resolve grief or make the loss less work. Strangely, anxiety and depression can coexist with peace and rest. Rest simply creates space for the body, mind, emotions, and spirit to have less burden and fewer pressures and demands added.
Rest may mean actual sleep, naps, or quiet contemplation while sitting or simply breathing. Rest may mean making something, listening to music, taking a nature walk, praying, or creating rituals for yourself, such as having a hot cup of soothing tea. It may mean being with someone safe, joyful, or sincere.
There is choice in the matter, even when it doesn’t seem to be one. The choice to stop or pause may not have been a choice. Choice seems like a luxury when it comes to grief and loss, but a lack of options doesn’t mean choice is erased. We are all subject to free will and the willingness to partake when we want to or need to.
Allow yourself to do nothing without having to explain yourself to yourself or someone else. Rest will look different for everyone depending on what they need in the moment. Your rest will not be the same as a family member’s, friend’s, or colleague’s rest.
Learning to recognize what kind of rest is needed in the moment is part of grief and loss work, rather than creating a standard or comparing what we think or imagine working through grief and loss is supposed to be like.
Extra Support Is Available
Rest does not mean you have to navigate grief and loss alone. Sometimes support means having a place to slow down, reflect, create, and make room for what is being carried.
The 3 Brushes, LLC provides in-person art therapy for children and tweens, teens, and adults in Gaithersburg, Maryland. Art therapy can offer another way to explore experiences that may be difficult to put into words, while creating space to process, reconnect, and move at a pace that feels manageable.
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If you are curious about how art therapy may support you or someone you care about, I invite you to schedule a complimentary 20-minute consultation. It is an opportunity to ask questions, learn more about the process, and explore whether this approach feels like a good fit.
You do not have to have the right words. You do not have to know exactly what you need.
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